I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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