she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
