Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
