Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
