I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
