called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
