Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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