if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
