If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
