I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
