this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
