I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
