the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
