i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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