My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
