Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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