remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You are the jesus of drinking
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
