I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
