I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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