I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
