Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
