Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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