dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
