This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
