I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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