So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
