im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
