I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
