she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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