You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
