my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Who died my cat blue again?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
