i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
