He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
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