you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
