mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
