I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
