A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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