haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
