The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
