i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
