New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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