please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
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We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
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I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness