The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass