he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?