Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
