im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
