I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
