$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm passing your future prison.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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