my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
