I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
