I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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