I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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