You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
