One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
we're so committed to being not committed
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
