$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
