I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
