What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
