Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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