this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
