I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
